CAKE OR DEATH
by Anne-Geri' Fann
& Elizabeth Hayes
THE CHARACTERS
EMILY
Emily is a tenth generation psychic. During the 1980s her mother got calls from President Reagan and his gracious First Lady for help in decisions of ... a personal nature. When Emily was five her grandmother bought her first deck of tarot cards with which young Emily promptly prophesied the impending doom of a yard squirrel.
Emily does not use her psychic ability for profit, only to benefit and enlighten those around her who may be in need. Meaning, she’s kinda stuck with it, as if she was given a tenth generation fruitcake. But it does come in handy occasionally. Except when trying to read her own future, which she can’t do to save her life.
Emily is an avid reader (of books as well as tarot cards), and she has a penchant for classic movies, poetry, and boyfriends with horrible personalities. She thinks Brady’s compulsion to fold fruit into jello stems from a need to bring order to his universe.
FREEDOM
(Can I do this in iambic pentameter?
I can? OH good.)
Freedom is a rather spritely name
But my parents were a bit boehme
Smart in school, I had some brilliant streaks
In Berkeley though I lasted naught two weeks
Spent me dough on cigarettes and pot
(Nothing left but all that I forgot!)
I'll quote the best, from Dickinson to Poe
Though with the Bard I hit a grand plateau
Lenore is really cramping up my death
She's way too superstitious (cough) "MACBETH!"
I long for days when free love reigned indeed
(K, most of all, I really miss the weed!)
LENORE
Lenore is dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatsoever about that. Before her tragic demise, she found her way from community theatre to the big screen after accidentally witnessing a tryst involving a sailor, a producer, two Swedes and a Labrador in the back alley of Old Tony's On The Pier.
Lenore has mixed a cocktail for Cary Grant, sipped coffee with Jimmy Stewart, and shared a backstage with Marilyn Monroe, all from about fifty feet away, but who's counting. She is also sure that none of these lovely people had anything to do with the restraining order from Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Inc. Really, it was just a freak accident that she ended up stuck to James Dean's thigh with wallpaper paste. Ars Gratia Artis!
Some people have called her a diva, but Lenore wants to clarify that a diva is not necessarily difficult to work with, she is just very professional and has a low tolerance for incompetence! Talent permits whatever behavior necessary, you know. Lenore may be "seen" in several famous movies such as Night and Fog, I Am a Camera, East of Eden, To Catch a Thief, Dead Men Don't Hire Detectives, and It Came from Beneath the Sea.
DORSEY
"Dorsey"
Just a man
With a man's courage
You know he's
Nothing but a man
He can never fail
No-one but the pure at heart
May find the Golden Grail
Oh, oh...
The adventures of Jerry Englebert Dorsey, once a handsome polo player and Yale graduate, have all been played out in the same not-far-from Hollywood apartment building where he lived as a young boy -- an apartment building he now manages with his faithful companions Dale Arden and Dr. Hans Zarkov. Or was that just something he read?
Dorsey is, after all, a bit of a romantic who appreciates a soothing tea flower from time to time while dreaming of fiery meteors from the planet Mongo.
Mr. Dorsey does not sing. Or rather, he shouldn't. Not where anyone can hear him.
BRADY
Brady is a fun-loving genius chess-master who also happens to be a drug cop. He got into law enforcement after an altercation involving lawn chairs, a Presbyterian, and poppies.
He has lived in the same apartment for years and though he spends a good deal of time having fun nights on the town, one might find him on any given Tuesday night, slowly folding canned fruit into jello.
Brady wants to find some place where there isn't any trouble, but doesn't think that place exists on this side of the rainbow. His favorite Wizard of Oz character is The Scarecrow, because of the straw man's profound wisdom that "some people do go both ways." Brady occasionally represents the Lollipop Guild.
STAN
You want to know more about ol' Stan, do ya? Where he was born? Where he went to school? What he does? Where he works? Well, I don't think so. You can forget it. Stan is a closed book, open to no one.
Go away. You ain't never gonna crack this nut.
